In the past few months, I've been working with this book quite a bit. To borrow a description from the book jacket, this is a “classic on the experience and legacy of being raised in an addictive household.” As with many good resources on human psychology and health, the ideas here have resonance for more people than just the population they were originally written for and about.

Without blame or stigma, it looks at the rigid roles that kids take on to survive in many highly disrupted households, and how those roles become both strengths and vulnerabilities in adulthood. The four major roles that this book identifies are:

  • The Responsible Child: The parentified child who takes care of a myriad of adult tasks and logistics. This person often learns how to work hard in many arenas at once and is frequently well organized and praised as an overachiever. Later in life they can find themselves struggling with an inability to relax, a severe need to be in control, and so much trouble listening to others that it disrupts professional and personal relationships.
  • The Adjustor: The one who learns to go with the flow, no matter how outlandish it might seem. This person learns to be incredibly flexible and easygoing, often at the expense of being able to identify their own feelings and notice opportunities for agency later in life.
  • The Placater: This is the family social worker who makes peace between siblings or parents when they are fighting. They might also be the person who friends turn to for emotional support in times of need. As adults they are caring and empathic, often described as warm by people they meet. They might also be the compulsive giver, who structures their life and self around the needs of others. They might be highly tolerant of inappropriate, even coercive or abusive behavior, fearing anger and valuing relational peace even over their own needs for safety, and often feeling guilty that they can never do enough.
  • The Acting-Out Child: This child tells the world that something is very wrong here by breaking rules and causing disruptions in their lives and the lives of others. This person often has less denial and greater honesty about the emotional truths of the world around them. They challenge authority and can have the ability to “lead without questioning.” This person is often the most likely to get in trouble with the system in which they live, to be identified as a “problem” and to struggle with low self-esteem.

The book goes on to talk about some of rules-for-living that are taught within the family, often without ever being explicitly spoken. These include “don’t talk, don’t trust, and don’t feel.” These ideas can be so fundamental that people continue to act on them without realizing there’s any choice there. It can be freeing to see that these are really learned constructions, and that other ideas might serve you better now.

Towards the end of the book there are a series of exercises to help readers identify their learned assumptions about people and relationships, consider new perspectives, and integrate those perspectives into their daily lives.

The book is filled with anecdotes and written in easy day-to-day language. Those anecdotes can be intense! At times, I found it overstimulating. I would find my eyes glazing over and my mind wandering- not because I was bored, but because what I just read was giving me so much to think about, and to feel. I found it best to read about a half chapter to a chapter at a time, in the afternoon rather than before bed. Pay attention to your own energy and attention while reading, and pace yourself accordingly. It’s also good to have people to talk with if this brings up intense thoughts, feelings, or memories.